Bravery, stupidity, honesty, anxiety; these emotions make up different days, moments, memories in life. Is it strange to experience it all in a matter of a few seconds? Pretty epic, right? This nerve-wracking moment is one little window in time which sets the course for several decisions, events, experiences that will follow later.
When you do accomplish what you set out to, as a part of that decision, a sense of calm, peace washes over. You feel accomplished. Then the moment comes rushing forth as a memory. It is akin to an out-of-the-body experience plus time travel. You see yourself sitting there and slowly the decision that changed it all plays out, as clear as day. You want to go and pat your past self on the shoulder, give a high-five or something for the wonderful show of bravery for you know that glory, or a part of it, is now yours.
At times, the accomplishment is a part of a chain of events, something like an in-betweener. It has led you to where you are, yet not where you want to go, eventually. There is pride, yes. Pride at having completed a phase of your dream and realising it in a tangible form. However, this moment of pride brings with it an unpleasant yet inevitable visitor – Fear. You panic a little, then. Most of the times, you begin playing with the possibilities, toying with the what-ifs. At this juncture, it is perfectly natural to sit and wonder if at all what you chose is wrong. What if your decision will lead you to an unfavourable eventuality? The fear of the unknown is a wonderful thing; it makes you doubt all that you are working towards. Even greater is the fear of failure. It is downright frightening to think that there is a 50-50 chance that you will be stuck with the repercussions of your own choices, with no one to blame or share the shame. This, sad, unfortunate moment of self doubt crushes you. It threatens to break the spirit. In one single moment, all dreams, hopes and aspirations are decimated, razed to the ground, ravaged like the streets of a beautiful city after a war. You struggle with a strange sense of loss. The feeling of losing it all even before finding it or knowing that you have a chance to. The urge to slip into an alternate reality is strong. A place where the outcome is known, the end result is favourable, where the happily-ever-after is yours.
Sometimes, you skip out on the pity-party and find a burning resolve. The moment fuels a fire in your soul and stirs you to accomplish exactly what you set out to. You draw inspiration from the courage you showed. Maybe, share the experience with a kind heart, a patient ear and feel good about it all. It could be a friend, a family member, your significant other; you bask in the warmth of their appreciation of you choosing well. The kind words bring you hope and you find your moment, where once again, you become the happy dreamer, hopeful yet practical.