It has been long. This weird phase that you are stuck in; too afraid to go back yet finding no reason to move ahead. That one step ahead mentally becomes a thousand times more difficult than climbing Mt. Everest without the supplemental oxygen. You go through the motions, wake up, survive then somewhere during the day, when you are caught off guard, you slip up. This happens when your mind is blank, no thought at all, nada, just your brain supplying oxygen to your body, sending signals to various organs so that you survive. This moment is when you loathe yourself for being stuck in the rut. You realize the damage and the pain that you are enduring yet a part of you has become too complacent with it all. For it’s too easy to go on like this; this toxic habit spells comfort in a very odd way. So, you let things be and plod on, because living seems like something that’s a tad bit too lively for your current style.
By this point, you have fallen in love with misery. Your mind is occupied with its thoughts all the time, even if you are working or running an errand – it makes its presence felt like some background app that is essentially dormant yet active. Like a buzzing that encircles your heart and refuses to move away from you. You find real joy elusive; instead a sense of numbness takes over. A little puppy may make you smile, your favorite food might light up your face…but it’s only momentary. Real joy escapes you; inner peace becomes a fancy word or a memory that at best is hazy.
You keep drowning time and again with no hope of overcoming the incessant pain that keeps throbbing away. Finally, at some moment, some vague point, you simply stop and it hits you – Why am I letting the pain wash all over me? Yes, I am sad and yes, I have been through too much. Pain, however, is only what you make of it. You can choose to let it overcome you with agony or embrace it and let it all go in one profound moment of realization.
So, you get tired of going on like that. You wake up one fine day, finally see the glint of light at the end of the tunnel, coaxing you to stretch and reach it. You embrace the darkness, make it a part of you and finally prevent it from consuming your being. The light is now visible, faint but there. And finally, you run, sprint towards that enchanting radiance with all the energy you can muster. One day you know it will be within your grasp. And that day the pain will be just a mere shadow that walks with you, but never tightens its tentacles around you. And you will never be the same again, for you reappear. Finally, in all your glory. Just as Lady Gaga opens her powerful track, Marry the Night:
I’m gonna marry the night
I won’t give up on my life
I’m a warrior queen
Live passionately tonight
I’m gonna marry the dark
Gonna make love to this stark
I’m a soldier to my own emptiness
I am a winner
Credits: Nemisha S. and Me