It’s a lazy Saturday and I have just woken up a little before 11. Curled up inside the comforter, just doing nothing, thinking nothing; bliss!
Ten days into 2015 and my mind is at peace. All because 2014 may have seemed like a shitshow of epic proportions from the outset yet was exactly what I needed to equip me for life as I inch towards completing a quarter of the average human life expectancy sometime in the next 8 months *gasp!*. There have been moments when it all seemed perfect, memories with friends who now I know are keepers, personal struggles that looked like they might unravel me, but only left me far better equipped and more confident in my own abilities.
Like a relationship with a douchebag, you started off feeling too good to be true, then went on to show your true colours, turned to a mess of epic proportions but in the end, you came with a silver lining, peace. Peace at the end of the entire debacle. And knowing that no matter what, family will never abandon you, whether it is the one you are born into or the one you have found and nurtured.
You taught me to trust. I made friends and lost respect for some. In the melee that was my mind and emotions, I learnt to filter the good from the terrible. I know now that I will not be played like a fiddle and left for a fool.
I saw strength – In me and in others. Between my health failing and a relationship gone sour, two deaths in the family, a career crisis and the subsequent quest for clarity; you really knew how to throw a party. But, on the upside, I saw that I can hold on to the edge and hoist myself up. I don’t need anyone to throw me a line, I don’t need saving. I was fortunate enough to get really close to the few amazing people that I call keepers (not friends), and I realised first hand, the struggles they go through. How beautifully they carry themselves with courage and poise, despite their personal struggles pain and the hurt. I saw resilience that inspired me to push on and those were moments superiorly surreal, poignant and cathartic.
I knew what “shadow of herself” meant. Thank you for throwing massive curveballs my way, I realised what it means to find yourself and getting ahead, knowing your potential, knowing your worth. Knowing the real me and knowing FINALLY what I want from my life, career-wise.
I knew what joy really felt like, Real joy. For I had known far too long what it feels like to laugh along with the others while inside you feel nothing. To see the small things, like a kitten chasing another and tumbling in a heap and smile; eyes crinkling, the heart becomes a massive gooey puddle of sunlight and cuddles… feeling alive. You did good man, you did good!
I saw what love is and what it isn’t. It isn’t just attachment, but much more than that. It is understanding, it is knowing when to leave someone be and when to hold them so tight that they feel no pain. It is the silent nod that you get in a room full of people, asking you to hang in, reassuring you that they know what you’re going through; telling you it will all be okay. It is a little person with a tail, four legs and a sweet meow who comes to you, snuggles up and basks in your warmth when the nights get cold. It is feeling calm by hearing someone talk about their day, when there are a couple thousand miles separating you. It is family, the one that stands by you even if there are days when you might want to kill each other with just a long, hard stare.
I realised the power of words. The kind that can soothe or cut; whether spoken to the face or written out on a dialogue box in WatsApp or simply implied. I now know the love, venom and pain they can carry and the feelings that they can elicit. I hope I use mine for better things, for Heaven knows there have been countless occasions that I have used them and brought pain to some people I really, truly love.
You showed me what my flaws were, and then you handed over the baton to 2015 because I still am continuing as I was. Hurting those that I love far too much, but forgetting this truth when rage or annoyance takes over. To all those; I am sorry. I promise to be a better person. The guilt that overrides my mind after every “I’m-the-ultimate-bitch” episode is crushing. Makes it difficult for me to live with myself and the girl that I become in that moment is not someone I’d want to keep around. Bear with me as I weed her out.
The lessons you taught were not easy, but I’m sure to remember them for as long as I breathe! Thank you for being such a difficult year, dear 2014, I hope I am a better person at the end of this one.
Optimistic and grateful.